I applaud your courage to resign from your job without a solid plan for your future. Now you may pay more attention to me, your inner domestic goddess, while you stay home with your lovely children. I must warn you, though, I am not like most domestic goddesses. Some women, as you know, come fully equipped with the deluxe or supreme version of inner domestic goddess. You, my dear, are lucky. You come equipped with the half-assed version. This is a good thing. This means you will have plenty of time to watch Gossip Girl on Netflix while downing your bottle of Broke Ass Red Wine.
Now, to fully embrace your inner domestic goddess, you will need to gather some necessary ingredients. I have scribbled down the following recipe for you to follow at your convenience. This recipe will guide you (sort of) as you begin to embrace yours truly.
A Recipe for Embracing Your Inner Domestic Goddess You Frightening Creature, You
- 2 children under the age of 4
- 2 – 3 cups of coffee
- A generous amount of heavy whipping cream
- 1 set of earplugs (or an amazing skill to tune out loud noises)
- 1 subscription to Netflix
- 1 iPhone fully equipped with apps for Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, NPR News, YouTube and PBS Kids
- A pair of gardening gloves
- 1 apron
- 4 bottles of antibacterial soap
- 2 rolls of brightly colored duct tape (preferably lime green and orange)
- A dash of cooking and baking skills
- 8 cups of “I don’t give a shit” (aka IDGAS)
- An assortment of handheld tools (including a shovel, hammer, screwdriver and pair of scissors)
- 1 handheld vacuum
- At least 3 bottles of wine in stock at all times
- Access to 2 hoses
- 2 packages of Boogie Wipes (1 for inside the house and 1 for your purse)
- At least 1 credit card
- 5 – 7 hours of sleep
- Countless hugs, smiles and besos
- 1 wicked talent for multitasking
- Set the timer on your coffee maker before you go to bed so that you will have immediate access to your energy source when your children force you to get out of bed.
- Pour a generous amount of heavy whipping cream in your coffee mug BEFORE you pour your coffee. Repeat at least one more time during the morning.
- Be prepared to tune out loud noises from the moment you wake up today to the moment you wake up tomorrow. As a half-assed domestic goddess, it is not required to address every single loud noise (i.e. crying, whining, or your alarm clock).
- Turn on Netflix after pouring your coffee so your children can watch cartoons while you prepare yourself for what’s to come. Don’t forget to check Facebook so you know what’s going on with everyone else. Also take some time to familiarize yourself with the latest pins on Pinterest and news from NPR.
- After taking a moment to figure out what is going on with everyone and their mothers, assemble your tools, hoses, duct tape, apron, handheld vacuum, gardening gloves, Boogie Wipes and bottles of antibacterial soap.
- Be prepared to whip out these tools and items at any moment while living in the moment. You may think that going outside to play will only involve playing, but with your mad multitasking skills, you may suddenly find yourself at the compost site with a bin full of weeds. You may also think that swimming in the pool will only involve laughter and splashing, but you may soon find yourself hosing down your child after discovering that your child had diarrhea while wearing a water diaper.
- Use a dash of cooking and baking skills throughout the day to provide your family with food. If you decide to get creative after browsing Pinterest, make sure that you have generous amounts of “I don’t give a shit” handy. Remember, you have the half-assed version of inner domestic goddess. If you push the limits when you are cooking and baking (and cleaning and tackling DIY projects), the outcome may not be pretty and you may need to douse yourself in some IDGAS to let go and move on with a smile.
- Feel free to sprinkle handfuls of IDGAS on piles of unfolded laundry, dirty dishes, burnt food, Pinterest fails and dusty floors. When you run out of IDGAS, open those bottles of wine and pour.
- Avoid using your credit card unless you find some sweet deals online. The half-assed domestic goddess is much better at purchasing sort-of-necessary items online versus shopping inside a store or mall where one must walk around all over the place searching for the desired item(s).
- Smile. Hug. Give besos all day long. Every domestic goddess, even half-assed ones, know how to work the crowd for their own benefit.
- After you have had enough of being a domestic goddess for the day, go to bed. That domestic goddess that lives inside of you should be put to bed no later than 2 a.m., otherwise you may be stuck with the supersized half-assed version tomorrow. Then, my dear, you will be out of luck.
Your inner domestic goddess
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